Open Letter To Non-Americans Who Feel It Is Their Duty To Inform Me How Messed Up They Believe America To Be

•12/10/2011 • 5 Comments

Dear Sanctimonious Pricks,

I appreciate the fact you have opinions. And I am willing to listen to those opinions. But when you decide to repeatedly attack the very things my country was founded on, I get a little upset. And let me explain why.

You are not American. You have no idea what it is like to live in America as an American. America is fucked up sometimes, yes. But America is pretty freaking awesome, too. There’s this thing called a Constitution which guarantees certain liberties and rights to every single American citizen. Some were pretty questionable, but we ratified those thankyouverymuch and we still have that option today if we so choose to change any amendment. But I wouldn’t want to. Even that pesky Second Amendment you seem to have a huge problem with. Do you want to know why? Because even though our Founding Fathers put the right to bare arms in there during a time of immense struggle (our nation was just a little tiny baby duckling at the time; and there was this ongoing Revolution thing and we needed arms to defeat the British so we could have our independence) and there really is no need to arm every single GD person in the United States anymore because contrary to what South Park told me, I don’t believe the British are going to come back over here to reclaim the colonies, it is still our constitutional right to have them. You may not like it; I don’t like it, a quite a bit of people in the States don’t like it, but there you go. You have to take the good with the bad. I have the right to slam the door in the faces of soldiers needing quartering, and some yahoo in Arizona has the right to own a Desert Eagle for “home defense”.

Let me explain something else to you while I am at it, just because I bash on the US doesn’t give you carte blanche to go off on every little detail as well. America is my country, I am allowed to bash it, the First Amendment says I can. America is not your country. You may criticize it but if you keep it up, I will go off on you. I don’t pick apart your country because it’s not my place to do so. It’s not your place to pick apart mine. It doesn’t make you morally superior. It doesn’t make you cool. Your country has pulled just as much bullshit as mine so don’t even start going down that road. You are going to lose because I paid attention in World History.

I love my country. The amount of patriotism in the States is amazing. Our Constitution is amazing. Our Founding Fathers and history is pretty amazing. The things we have achieved in our 235 years is amazing. Yes, we stumble from time to time. So does every single country on this fucking planet, although I do apologize for the Bush years. Both Bushs. So get over yourself. You’re not as smart as you think you are and bashing America is so 2008.

Next time, maybe think before you open your mouth about shit you know nothing about. You only see America from the outside. I know exactly how fantastic it is from the inside. Don’t try to belittle me and force me to be ashamed of my country because that is never going to happen. Besides, I wouldn’t do it to you because I have manners. Maybe you should get some.

Update from Down Undaa

•15/09/2011 • Leave a Comment

I applied for a real life job last night. It’s not much, but it’s way better than that previous place of employment which will not be named. Fingers crossed for a phone call requesting me to come on down for an interview because I’m gonna need 2400 Aussie dollars to pay for my TESOL cert so I can have a job next year without resorting to heading back to the States. So, here’s hoping I get the job (at a bookstore-exciting!) so all the Aussies can be mad at me for taking their jobs.

Week Two In Australia

•13/09/2011 • Leave a Comment

I’m sorta getting the hang of things, I think. Everyone is lovely, except for that nasty dude who put his bare feet on the seat on the train. Gross, dude. Not okay. PEOPLE SIT THERE AND THEY DON’T WANT TO SIT ON YOUR NASTY FEET JUICE!

So far, I haven’t seen any ginourmous spiders, I’ve petted a koala AND a kangaroo, and I’ve managed to keep my clothes on whenever I hear a moderately attractive man speak. That one is a tough feat, mind you. I can’t say I will be as restrained when I get to Scotland (hopefully in the next couple years) because I’ll tell you right now this story is the hottest thing I’ve ever read and if Sean Bean spoke with a Scottish accent on top of the fact dude got STABBED AND THEN WENT BACK TO HIS BEER, clothes would be off. OFF!

Anyway, back to the present and reality (for now). I think I have the basic mechanics of driving on the other side of the road, not that I am terribly game to get behind the wheel just yet. But I will attempt it before my year is up, just because I have made a deal with myself to do everything and anything offered to me (shut your face, you dirty minded people). I opened a bank account today, have sent off to the tax office for a tax ID number so I can start working (legally) and have begun scouring the classifieds for jobs, just to have a peek. Did you know they’re hiring a receptionist for an escort service? I wonder how much they pay.

I’ve got the lingo down a bit, such as napkins=serviettes, diapers=napkins, strollers=pram, trash can=rubbish bin, and shopping cart=trolley. The one thing I don’t ever think I will be able to bring myself to say is thongs. I cannot call flip-flops thongs because seriously, the only thing that runs through my head every time I hear the word ‘thong’ is this. Seriously, Australian people, thongs are uncomfortable underwear that ride up your butt. Not feet holders.

For now, I believe that is all I have to say. I’ll keep you updated on any changes (i.e. hot Aussie menfolk, heart attack inducing spiders and kangaroo boxing. Until then, I will be making bad jokes about dingoes and babies, as well as how I can no longer count because I can’t convert numbers to metric. Oh, and never really understanding what the temp is unless it’s around 0 or how far anything is because fuck it all if I can remember the conversions.

P.S. Something I will only admit here: The following Simpsons episode has been running through my ever since I touched down in Sydney on the 3rd.

(especially this one)

Hello From Down Undaa!

•13/09/2011 • 2 Comments